statement of purpose

22 Feb, 2026

1. Introduction

Attention-grabbing hook

When I joined the catholic church in 2014, our RCIA¹ director had all of us catechumens and candidates² take a Spiritual Gifts Inventory. I was very familiar with the Inventory format, having recently taken a few dozen over the course of a serious and rapidly spiraling mental breakdown in an attempt to figure out exactly what kind of treatment would Fix Me, but the subject matter and goal of this one was very different (and thus hilarious): a systematic, almost corporate, multiple-choice assessment of what charisms³ the Holy Spirit had bestowed on each of us, and information on how we could use them to serve our communities, the church, and God.

Each of us worked in silence in the parish library, multi-page quizzes balanced awkwardly on our laps, scratching away.

God answers my prayers in tangible ways
( ) always ( ) often ( X ) sometimes ( ) rarely ( ) never

When I sing in church, others tell me it moved them to feel the presence of the Lord
( ) always ( ) often ( ) sometimes ( ) rarely ( X ) never

We dutifully tallied up our scores and reconvened to discuss our results. What fascinated me then and still fascinates me a dozen years later was how each of us felt certain of the questions were so foreign as to be ludicrous, which to others were the most natural and obvious things in the world.

A woman said, "This one was so weird: 'When I explain something to someone, they say they'd never thought of it that way and now understood it for the first time.' Who is that always happening to?" and I thought: me. That is always happening to me.

A brief on myself and my background as they relate to my motivation

When I explain something to someone, they say they'd never thought of it that way and now understood it for the first time
( X ) always ( ) often ( ) sometimes ( ) rarely ( ) never

I am able to relate to and communicate with people from different locations or cultures
( X ) always ( ) often ( ) sometimes ( ) rarely ( ) never

I am sure of God's loving presence, even when things go wrong
( X ) always ( ) often ( ) sometimes ( ) rarely ( ) never

Highest gift scores: Teaching. Communication. Trust.
What your gift scores mean: You either are doing this, or you should be.

Some of my earliest memories are of teaching. Teaching my baby sister to eat and speak and draw and play. Teaching the neighbor boy, two or three years my senior, to read more fluently, heads together over the latest volume of Captain Underpants.⁴ Sitting on a desk in free period, using broad hand gestures and an extended slumber party metaphor to help my gathered APUSH classmates understand the geopolitical dynamics leading up to the Spanish-American War.

I have always loved the feeling of handing an idea on to someone who couldn't grasp it before, tucking it safely and firmly into their hand, folding their fingers over it; "This was mine: now it is ours."

2. Body

Relevant accomplishments & experience in the field

The few dozen non-Holy Spirit-related Inventories did eventually pin down what would (more or less) fix me. The destructive spiral halted; I began the circling climb. One of the things I needed before I could truly stabilize, only I could see: after a lifetime entirely bound up in academic success, within arm's reach of the finish line, I had to drop out.

The future had gotten embedded in me like a hundred tearing hooks; expectation looped around my neck like Shining Wire. No one else could see the peg pinning the whole tangle to the ground: in a frenzy I dug myself free. I relinquished all pretense at ambition. I let go of the past and the future.

I was just okay, right now, for the first time.

I think about where I'd like to be in the next five years
( ) always ( ) often ( ) sometimes ( ) rarely ( X ) never

But the present can be its own kind of poison. Without past and future as anchors, everything slides up to me and away from me and vanishes. The more time passed, the briefer and slipperier the present became.

For my life to bear fruit, I need to choose what I sow, tend the field, reap the harvest.

Goals as they relate to the project

Letting go of the future was brutal self-surgery; being seduced by it again was a stomach-churning gothic romance. My first foray into choosing a goal and struggling to meet it frayed my mental and physical health down to the warp. Even after I succeeded,⁵ regret over the whole affair warred with pride. I was depleted; the future lost almost all her appeal.

But as I emerged from exhaustion, I found this new thing I had claimed still clutched in my hands; and, having got it, I was now responsible for sharing it with others. It was mine, and could be ours. I discovered that the satisfied joy of Making It Make Sense, of collecting knowledge and handing it on, is genuinely my own. I didn't want to stop using the muscles I'd rebuilt; I didn't want to go back to a state where everything I experienced slipped through me without leaving a mark.

My attention span is still shaky. There are skills I know I used to have that have yet to fall back into place. But I think: surely if I can learn all the workings of a nuclear reactor, working hand-over-hand from the strong force between nucleons to the cooling tower on the roof, I can remember how to watch a whole movie without touching my phone? Read more than 280 characters at a time? Spend hours whittling away at a project just because the work itself brings me joy? Finish a beautiful novel, retain what I read, and express my thoughts about it in a way that builds up my community and glorifies God?

Why this particular format & what I have to offer

I'm making forays into a wider present, rejoining Real Life community with people whom I permit to remember and have expectations of me. I'm seeking out a future where I can use the gifts I know God gave me. I'm studying the recent past before it recedes, taking notes, marking highlights, bringing it to God in prayer. I'm rebuilding focus and memory; committing and re-committing to creation and reflection, examination and repair.

And each time I do the work of actually holding on to whatever idea has caught my eye, my heart calls out: Is anyone else seeing this? Daria Sockey says this is the nature of wonder: struck by a beautiful sunset, "you aren’t satisfied with having praised it by yourself. You open the door to the house and call to your spouse and children, 'Quick! Come see the sunset before it’s gone!'"⁶

People often tell me I should be a writer; I say oh, no, I'm more of an editor; I'm a bad writer. I don't like to write. Two truths and a lie. I love to write. Nobody pens 19.5K bluesky posts in 2.5 years⁷ who doesn't like to write. That is the life's work of a bad writer who doesn't respect herself.

I'm carrying on collecting ideas, discovering my own thoughts about them, making them stick: I'm going to need something to do with them all. Lord forgive me but its time to go back to tha old me: a bad writer with enough self-respect to do some actual writing.

3. Conclusion

Summary of my experience & interests, emphasizing what I bring to the table

I've already got a modest little stash of seeds ready to be sown: A review of a review of a movie I haven't seen. Thoughts on bedtime. Givenness, alienation, and half-assed gardening.

Maybe a few of the classics of the form, too: Snapshot carousels. Field notes. Weekly roundups.

I follow through with the concepts in my head
( ) always ( ) often ( X ) sometimes ( ) rarely ( ) never

But of course I'm especially interested in the metadiscourse: having gathered up a great deal of information on practices like bullet journaling, note-taking, reflection, and the examen prayer; and, having put them into the slightest amount of practice, seen them bear fruit for the harvest; I find myself driven to open the door to the house and shout: Quick! Come see!

⁺✧₊⁺

fig. 01: bigwig strangling in a copper wire snare outside cowslip's warren. watership down (1978)
fig. 02: sunset off hwy OR-99, 24 aug 2025. (photo mine)
fig. 03: our garden, 31 jul 2025. (photo mine)

#memoir #personal